Monday 4th November 2002: Usurper
[By way of explanation... it was my first ever article for Fullyramblomatic.com. And I was young, foolish, and mentally deficient.]
So, I was reading FullyRamblomatic.com the other day, when one particular phrase caught my eye. "Submission now being accepted," it said. "Ooooooh!" I thought, "I could finally get some recognition for my true creative talent!"
And, with that, I set about writing an article of about 700 words. It would be brief, but informative. It would address serious issues, but still entertain my readers. Its brilliance would dwarf the sum content of FullyRamblomatic.com, until I would seize the reins from Yahtzee and name it FullyGrumblomatic, and style it in my own image. All I needed was a topic on which to grumble briefly, but which would give me the chance to show off my talents.
I thought long and hard over the coming weeks, in the hope of discovering this elusive train of thought to lead me to greatness. I searched the newspapers. I thought carefully over the events of my day-to-day life. God help me, I even consulted Spacemonkey, until finally it dawned upon me that the newspapers were full of shit, my life was full of shit, and, indeed, Spacemonkey was full of shit.
It seems that this world is not built to provide interesting material to write about. A look at my local paper will quickly confirm this. To take a headline at random, "Twins born on different days." Now bear in mind that I haven’t dug far into the paper to find this one. What, you may ask, made this story truly newsworthy? Were these twins perhaps born 40 hours apart? Were they discovered to be the next stage in the evolution of man? Were they in fact the children of completely different fathers? Sadly not; on closer inspection, it would seem that the two were born 20 minutes apart, on either side of midnight. Nevertheless, the intrepid reporter, who remains anonymous, managed to write a good 200 words on the subject.
Which leads me to believe that an interesting topic is far from necessary! When the Voice of North Yorkshire, no less, can get away with writing absolute bollocks to fill up half a page, then why not I?
So, I’ve decided to have a crack at it. My earth-shattering news? Why, my own writing of an article for FullyRamblomatic.com, of course! Now, hold onto your hats and other garments, and, optionally, genitalia, as I prepare to rock your world with the raw naked truth, told as never before.
WRITER ATTEMPTS TO CONQUER INTERNET!
The Voice of Yorkshire™, Yorkshire-
11pm Wednesday evening, England, and perhaps the world, were shaken by one Yorkshireman’s attempted Internet coup.
The humour site FullyRamblomatic.com, believed by many to be a hub that "holds the internet together," according to one source who wishes to remain anonymous, was viciously assaulted by an unidentified malicious writer, believed to be from our area.
One witness, clearly upset by the incident, said that the assailant’s quality of writing was "verging on criminal," and that he should be "fed to the pigeons."
The site’s owner, and principal victim of tonight’s atrocities, described the mystery writer as "mildly annoying," and bitterly complained that he was "forced to delete the email."
A spokesman for the police said told the Press today that an official investigation was commencing, and that the obnoxious youth could expect a "stern talking to" under the Good Taste Act (1991).
David Pisspoor, Yorkshire Evening Press
Bear with me, I am going somewhere with this. You see, I heard recently about these things, called "self-fulfilling prophecies." The way I see it, I’ve prophesised the downfall of FullyRamblomatic.com, and the rise of FullyGrumblomatic in its stead. And I’ve got a hat that says "Hail to the Pope!!"
Now, I just sit back, and wait for my rise to power.