Saturday 30th November 2002: Writing Evolved
Recently, I went to Flamingo Land with a "friend," and, when he was on the verge of vomiting up the previous month's food along with a large proportion of his vital organs, he decided to wander round the zoo area for a bit. I assented. I mean, I may not like the guy, but I don't actually want him to die.
Well, not when he's nearby, anyway.
Still, seeing all those animals sent me thinking about evolution. My mind works that way. But seriously, think about it. With the way we've warped the natural world, what's going to become of the plants and animals we see around us, in years to come?
Well, I can appreciate that this may be rather heavy material to think through, so I consulted my supercomputer, which I stole from Yahtzee's home over the weekend.
I spent a few hours teaching it how it was sinful to impersonate characters from Red Dwarf, another two trying to drive home the concept that as an inanimate object it was not entitled to sneer at my inferior intelligence, and another 20 seconds threatening to kick it in the GDI resource heap, and eventually it co-operated.
The author would like to assure you at this point that subsequent nerd jokes will be kept to a minimum.
Here, for your viewing pleasure, is what it told me about the world to come.
Cats/Dogs - Growth hormones will be suppressed beyond the age of about 6 months, resulting in the creature remaining a sickeningly cute puppy/kitten for the rest of its natural life. Both will develop special teeth designed to slice open tin cans, and/or dextrous limbs capable of operating a ring-pull. Especially successful specimens will develop sufficient vocal talent to express their preference in food brand, and learn that making aggressive motions towards the crotch areas of nearby bipeds is likely to yield the desired items. The few prodigies of development will found species unions to ensure the continued effectiveness of these tactics.
Dolphins, Seals, Sea lions, etc - These and other assorted sea creatures will be born with an innate attraction to rubber balls, and a pressing desire to mimic human actions, such as clapping, kissing, and organising crime syndicates. Mothers will instinctively abandon their young 2-3 days after their birth on beaches close to nature sanctuaries. After a time, all baby sea-creatures will be thrown using primitive ballistae into these establishments from a safe distance.
The Great Apes - Our closest relatives will make the logical move to continue climbing the evolutionary ladder, and move towards our own current state. It is estimated that by 2020, the majority will have mastered some essential phrases, such as "Get yo hands off meh, bitch," "Where's mah soft fruit, bitch?" and, indeed, "Give me half the monthly profit, or I'll tell people about what you do with poor old Cuddles." By 2050, the Monkey Mafia will have been formed after bestiality-fearing zookeepers armed a small group with M60s and a light APC division, and by 2060 it is estimated that the Monkey Mafia will have subverted most of human government, though humans will still be kept around, if only to grow fruit.
The Big Cats - Just as the butterfly grew to have eyes on its wings to scare away predators, the big cats will develop "I'm fuckin' ENDANGERED" on one side, and "Feed me or I'll die and sue you" on the other, and will forgo their normal red meat diet for a succession of alfalfa cubes and chunks of fruit. Hunts will be replaced by walks through city streets, as litigation-fearing humans flee, dropping food as they accelerate beyond physical limits in the opposite direction.
Me - Will be crowned funniest man alive in 2006. Though these self-fulfilling prophecies have thus far proven a disappointment. Frankly I'm beginning to believe buying prophecies from the God of Crippling Disappointments was a mistake waiting to happen.