Saturday 11th January 2003: International Smackdown
[Urgh. Here for completeness only. Complete humiliation, that is. Read on, verbal masochists!]
As most of you have probably already noticed, it's the festive season. (It was when I wrote it. Bloody wintertime hiatus) Little kids sing Christmas carols and clear food courts in record time. Website authors are violated by their own hardware, and fall unconscious for weeks at a time. God wonders why we celebrate the birthday of a being that claims never to have been born, and never to die. I receive a pair of socks reading "Office workers have 3.5" floppies," and wonder what pills my aunt took that made her think this was amusing, let alone something to have me unwrap within 20 yards of my parents, whose appreciation of the subtleties of innuendo is rivalled only by that of the Queen herself.
But, say I, bollocks to all that. If you bastards are expecting a nice tinsel-wrapped Christmas update, you've got another thing coming, bucko. Buckos. Buckae. Um.
Anyway, just to make sure there's no hint of Christianity about this week's ramblings, I've decided to assess the Right Rev Dubya's battle (crusade?) tactics when it comes to ridding the world of Satan. Here's my assessment: utter shite. I mean, come on. Let's have a quick look at what will be used to resolve an argument that essentially goes:
Dubya: Adopt democracy! Respect my authoritah!
Saddam: No!
Dubya: Alright, just keep the oil coming this-a-way.
Saddam: I'll think about it.
Dubya: Oh, and try to tone down the ethnic cleansing a bit while you're at it.
Saddam: Well, take all the fun out of my job, why don't you?
Now, to solve this dispute, the current plan is to pour thousands of lives and billions of dollars into the Middle East, and see which ruler goes 'bang' first. Call me simple, but there must be another way. In fact, there IS another way. Many other ways! In this spirit, I now present you with my 10 suggestions to the esteemed leader of the Church of the Latter Day Morons (apologies to who/whatever I stole that from) (Private Eye. I read it myself. The magazine of choice for the current generation's pretentious whingers. -YZ), which I mailed to him just yesterday. I keenly anticipate making fun of his dyslexia exhibited in his reply.
1. Death by 'Chicken' - rules are simple. Each leader is given a Nissan Micra, and aren't allowed to leave their cars. Bush gets Dick Cheney in the left seat, and the Joint Chiefs in the back. Saddam gets his favourite camel at his shoulder. The last man alive gets to rule the known world.
2. Death by Milk Challenge - each ruler is handed a gallon of humorously dyed milk, and must attempt to down the gallon without their digestive systems initiating a revolution and seizing control of their higher brain functions. The first ruler to become incapable of reciting 'Peter Piper' is henceforth shot.
3. Death by the 'Don't Mention Panties' game - hopefully bears no explanation.
4. Death by Old Age - each ruler is hooked to an intravenous nutrient feed which will sustain him without any independent action. The two are strapped to upended tables, and placed in a studio, surrounded by gawking onlookers and 'experts' who give their medical assessments to the billions of awe-struck viewers world-wide. He who lasts the longest gets to rule the world until they succumb to the inevitable.
5. Death by Celebrity Big Brother - As above, except with summary execution for any man to suggest a game of strip poker.
6. Death by Leylandii - Saddam and Dubya are placed in neighbouring houses, and told that the rapidly encroaching Leylandii bordering the two belong to the other leader. The loser is the first to succumb to temptation, and scale the fence, hedge trimmer in hand, and attempt to decapitate his neighbour.
7. Death by Sid Meier's Civilisation 3 - Each major world leader is allotted a slot in a big game of networked Civ 3. A UN committee is appointed to enact the result of the game, including the launching of a Lebanese colony ship to the nearest star, the French achieving world-wide cultural dominance, or the Canadians successfully developing Iron Working, as appropriate. In the event of a draw, Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri is played, with Bush playing Brother Lal of the Peacekeepers. Should he fail to appreciate the irony, he will be summarily executed.
8. Death by Popstars: The World Leaders - self-explanatory, surely?
9. Death by Vogon Poetry - If you don't get the reference, you probably shouldn't be here in the first place.
10. Death by Celebrity Boxing - Not only would this be entertaining, but Sport Relief would get a nice £5000 out of the deal!