Saturday 1st February 2003: Dramatic Plasticky
Just recently, I've been watching a lot of crappy American films. Not voluntarily, you understand, but on the grounds that Pioneer are adding “value“ to their DVD players by unloading the publishers' clearing house onto the poor hapless fools that buy their produce, and it seems a waste not to watch them. Besides, they're always pretty funny, if not for the intended reasons.
However, it occurs to me after the third such film that the characters I'm watching aren't actually characters, so much as templates for characters, fleshed out with whatever sprung to mind when the writers found their collective tub of money was running on empty, by which I mean "more than ‘filthy rich,' but still less than 'two-and-a-half Fosters' [Peter Foster, the guy who sold the flats to Cherie Blair. Timeless stuff, this.]".
Of course, not everybody has been as over-exposed to Americano crap as me, and it is with these unfortunate souls in mind that I present to you my guide to acting in a Hollywood blockbuster, and why fore it might kick nether regions, neatly arranged by the template to which you have been assigned. I'm nothing if not considerate.
Alpha Hero
- You can't possibly die. You should try to make as creative a use of this as possible. For example, you're cornered by a squad of men, who seem ready to execute you? Simple use your face to cunningly rebound a few shots! Seems that there's a grenade disturbingly close at hand, and your friends are about three seconds from becoming just another Pot Noodle? Why, carefully arrange your genitals so as to deflect the blast towards your enemies!
- You're absolutely guaranteed to get the girl before the final curtain. The obvious upshot of this is that you can spend the preceding 2-3 hours referring to the nearest stunning lady 'a damn fine piece of ass' and occasionally whack her over the head with a mid-sized trout in the secure knowledge that, if the film is sufficiently highly certified, you're garunteed to get to exercise your droit de signeur after she rebuffs your insults with such cutting comebacks as 'I live only for you,' 'You're more beautiful than life itself,' and 'get your toolkit out and let's get it over with'*
However,
- Political correctness will be the blight of your life. Just try saying 'down with the darkies,' and you'll see what I mean. Almost without fail, it'll come out as 'damn those African Americans, damn them! Not because they're African Americans, you understand, but because certain individuals familiar to me are not people I consider likable.' On the plus side, this means that you'll live to see the light of day once you're a recognised household face.
- Your sensitive nature might also give you problems. Whilst useful when it comes to achieving your goals with the leading lady, this may mean that your only reaction to heavy gunfire is to curl up in a corner and sob gently. Of course, you can also explode into [politically acceptable] righteous rage, which is just about as good. Oh, and if you can avoid it, don't go near any small American children. Whilst your almost innate impulse to pick them up and quietly talk patronisingly may produce choruses of sighs among cinema audience, and occasionally vomit waves, Inspector Knacker will be waiting by the door with his Boy's First Book of Paedophile Grooming Techniques.
Love Interest
- As above, you can't possibly die. However, in this case, you don't have to do any work whatsoever to keep it that way, unless the Alpha Hero happens to be imbued with more than average political correctness and insists upon letting you take every other action sequence. Rather, assuming you're not a 21st-century love interest, you get to cower in a corner, looking confused whilst the hapless Alpha Hero kicks arse on your behalf, which isn't a bad deal when you consider that your sole payment is to fling yourself into his arms from time to time, then save the day as he at various points is surrounded by armed guards, wrestling a North Paraguyan antelope, or reconsidering his career options.
However,
- Though you too are guarunteed some action in the closing stages of the film, you also need to have lived a lifestyle akin to that of a Benedictine Monk prior to the event. Make the slightest hint that you're taking the initiative here, and you'll be demoted to an Evil Seductress. And we all know what happens to them. Basically, you have to act as if you've only ever encountered men before in textbooks. To facilitate this, some key phrases to avoid: "Quite honestly, I've never found machoism that attractive." and "Are you sure it's in?"
* only ever seen in films made in Hull
[Ending omitted completely this time. An improvment I feel.]