Saturday 8th March 2003: Meat 'n' Greet
[I don't think I've ever invented such a cringeworthy title, before or since. I was considering replacing it for republishing on smowton.net, but I think it has something powerful and terrible to say.]
[This little lot was part of Fullyramblomatic's Orgasm Theme Week, so I'm only partially to blame]
This week in Greetings! Magazine, we interview three celebrities about their orgasms!
Name: Brad Pitt
NASA Orgasm Classification: Type ‘M,’ exhibiting ‘blue flare’ tendancies
Favoured Partner: Lady Jane ‘bury me in a Y-shaped coffin’ Hamilton
Closest Verbal Rendering: “oooompah”
“My orgasm and I go way back. We first met, so to speak, when the good Lady made me sit through ‘A Christian’s Guide to Things You Will Never Do,” and we’ve been good friends ever since. Actually, there’s a funny story about that; I had a psychologically-minded friend once, and he told me the ‘oooooompah’ sound of my orgasms meant that I was the sexual equivalent of a tuba-player. I asked him what exactly he meant, and he said I was ‘slow and steady, not too interesting, but had the biggest damn instrument in the band.’ (laughs) Strange, really, because when I left for the night, he went right outside and jumped in the river. Of course, some guys fished him out, but I never did get a chance to ask him about that one…”
Name: George W. Bush
NASA Orgasm Classification: Type ‘B’ (Executive)
Favoured Partner: Donald Rumsfeld
Closest Verbal Rendering: “Oil!”
“After a close examination, we at NASA have discovered that the President has been conditioned to speak in a manner suitable for publication at all times, and that the President’s orgasms are the only time he expresses himself clearly and honestly. That’s why we use carefully deployed orgasms to decide most of US foreign policy. For example, shortly after September 11th, we asked Mr Rumsfeld to perform the unthinkable, and the screams of ‘Kill the bastard!’ could be heard from three streets away. Then again, we recently repeated the experiment, and found that Mr Bush simply said ‘Oil!’ before falling into a coma for several days. Boy, we had a hard time passing off the fact that the leader of the free world was unconscious! I think we said he inhaled a salty snack of some sort in the end.”
Name: Pope John Paul II
ESA Orgasm Classification: ‘nice’
Favoured Partner: Unknown
Closest Verbal Rendering: “My son, all your sins are forgiven”
“How dare you make such accusations of his Holiness! Not only is he aged nearly 100 years old, but he is the leader of the Church, for Christ’s sake! Besides which, upon whom could the Pope, uh, practice? Are people expected not to notice the identity of the decagenarian in the funny white hat whom they just happen to share a room with? Honestly, if the Pope were to even consider such an idea, his only choice would be his own page boys, and I think we both know the press made a storm in a teacup out of the whole affair."