Saturday 22nd March 2003: Radio Ramblomatic
Recently, I’ve been listening to the radio a lot.
Actually, that’s a lie. Every radio station in my area broadcasts crap 24 hours a day, and however many days a week its producers can be arsed to switch the transmitter on, so I avoid listening to any of them if at all possible.
Let’s start again.
Recently, I’ve been thinking of a nice opening phrase to awkwardly segue into ramblings about radio advertising. You see, I recently heard the following on the least-under funded of our local stations, trying to sell me a hair-removal treatment:
BLAND MAN: Four ways to remove unwanted hair: shaving!
WOMAN: Auuughaugh! [bleeds heavily] Anyone got any plasters?
BLAND MAN: Waxing!
WOMAN: ArgarghAAAAGHarghfuck! [writhes in pain]
BLAND MAN: Electrolysis!
WOMAN: [is zapped] [spasms horribly]
BLAND MAN: Or, New Improved Hair-B-Gone!
WOMAN: [silence] Is that all?
Well, I don’t know about you, but I was sold the minute I heard those agonising screams of pain! Still, surely they’re being a little pessimistic about some of this? Since he does not appear to be sporting a 22” beard, I can only assume that my father shaves regularly, yet I’ve never heard [bleeds heavily,] [writhes in pain] OR [spasms horribly] from his bathroom.
Well, not in connection with shaving, anyway.
No no, that was when he put his back out whilst tiling!
Of course, this could just mean that my father decided to purchase some Hair-B-Gone after getting fed up with [bleeding heavily,] but this does rather undermine my argument, as it occurs to me about now that these advertising executives are missing a real opportunity here! If simple pessimism about the results of using competitor products will sell something, shouldn’t that technique work for everything, and not just hair-removal products?
If any advertising executives happen to be reading, let me illustrate as I sell you a Zimmo-Chris DeathMower!
WOMAN: As anybody should know, there are three ways to cut your lawn and keep that unsightly greenery to a minimum.
MAN: There are? (delete this line if for sale outside of USA)
WOMAN: [Yes!] First, a traditional petrol mower.
MAN: [mows lawn] [runs over small child] Oh God, I’ve killed little Patrick! [reaches under mower] [loses arm, head]
WOMAN: Alright, how about a Flymo Hover-mower?
MAN: There’s no way those pesky kids could get under this! [runs over concealed land-mine] Shit! My eyes, what’s happened to my EYES?! [stumbles into carnivorous plants] [plants ingest man]
WOMAN: Perhaps a Zimmo-Chris DeathMower?
MAN: [mows lawn, whistles the ChrisCo Company Loyalty Song] Boy, I’m glad I bought a ChrisCo-brand mower!
WOMAN: Yes, and to think they’re just £89.99 from your local garden centre!
MAN: [slaps forehead in amazement]
Not convinced? Lawnmowers not your thing? … Damn. Alright, give me a chance. If you’re not rushing out for a Block-‘o’-Ice Coolage Unit after the following, well, frankly, I pity you.
WOMAN: How do you keep your foodstuffs fresh? Do you own a clunky and dangerous old refrigerator?
MAN: [opens fridge door, retrieves milk] [closes door, trapping genitals] Aaaaaah! My penis!
WOMAN: Perhaps you use a freezer?
MAN: Damn… [grunt] freezer… [grunt] stuck… [grunt] again… [freezer falls on man] Why God, why? Why must you taunt me so? [dies]
WOMAN: How about deadly liquid nitrogen?
MAN: ARRRGGHHGH JESUS! This liquid nitrogen! It's deadly!
WOMAN: What you need is a...
CHORUS OF ADORABLE CHILDERN: Block 'o' Ice Coolage Unit!
WOMAN: Garunteed to do more good than harm!
THAT FAST TALKING BLOKE YOU GET IN AMERICAN ADVERTS: Garuntee void in nation-states with laws.