Saturday 3rd May 2003: String Theory
Hey kids! It's Saturday, and you know what that means! That's right - another ill-founded rant about modern culture that reveals more ignorance than it dispells. Since my friends haven't slaughtered me for being uncultured in quite a while, this week it's the Modern Art establishment's turn, and specifically, the "work" or "art" that is the attachment of the sculpture Rodin's Kiss to 20 yards of twine. I know, it happened a while ago, and a cartoon in this fortnight's Private Eye seems to suggest it has in fact been returned to its rightful state, but still.
The fact remains that there is a human being who believed not only that he could improve a work of fine art with some crappy string bought in a local B&Q, but that he should be paid enormous sums of money for performing said service, and receive the highest acclaims from all concerned.
For those who don't know about the piece in question (I'd like to think there are some, besides me), Rodin's The Kiss is a sculpture in marble of two lovers kissing, believed to have been carved about 100 years ago. The modification was made by Cornelia Parker, for her widely acclaimed exhibition, which went on display about 6 weeks ago.
Now, for me, the first question is the obvious one: why? What motivated Ms. Parker to believe that it was a worthy project to attach things to a statue; a project that demonstrated her talent and finery? The most puzzling concept seems to be that, one must suppose, she believes that she actually improved the sculpture. After all, if she actually believed she was reducing the quality of the art in question, why would she do it? For those who are having trouble grasping the concept, I have taken the liberty of preparing a table, demonstrating just what happens when one attempts to improve a number of household object with the use of string. Specifically, the mile of string used by Parker.
| Object | Purpose | Performance Pre-string | Performance with String |
| Ford Astra | To get one from A to B, and preferably back again, without spontaneously combusting or otherwise causing undue mayhem. | Whilst car is undeniably shit, in does indeed succeed in transporting its occupants, though a padlock or guard team is necessary to ensure that it will remain in one place when not doing so. | Car's security problems are solved; guard team has been dismissed and have returned to their previously held male-whoring positions. Unfortunately, car has been rendered inaccessible by any but the smallest of dwarfs, and as such has been sold as conceptual art. |
| Kenwood toaster | To elevate the temperature of bread to that delicately balanced point between 'cold' and 'ablaze'. | Whilst device frequently causes third-degree burns, it undeniably accepts bread, and performs the aformentioned temperature-raising, providing that user stands watch for the duration. | Device has been demonstrated by scientists to cause a condition known as 'immolation'; whilst bread in the slot is certainly heated, the resulting fireball transfers the effect to its user and his/her house. |
| Sony Walkman | To entertain its listener with a selection of music, played with the aid of a low-powered laser and tiny little pockmarks in some aluminium. | Although complaints that the device makes one look a right prat are rife, its music playing abilities are beyond reproach. | Device has been rendered effectively shock-proof by the 12-foot-diameter ball of string that now surrounds it, providing trouble-free listening; however, there is widespread agreement that to build a new laser-device from the base metals in one's immediate surroundings would in fact be quicker than to change the disc. |
| Rodin's The Kiss | To inspire the viewer with its astounding craftsmanship, whilst at the same time inspiring intellectual consideration of its deeper meaning. | The work conveys a powerful image. Of people. Two of 'em. | The work conveys sophisticated philosophical points, like the idea that there might be some sort of bond between lovers! Who'd've thought it, eh? |
So, in summary, Parker bad. Kenwood bad. Sony reasonable. Ronin good, probably. Me funny. Ho ho ho!
That'll be all.