Friday 11th July 2003: Go East
I'm leaving. May never return.
Probably will, but there's an outside chance.
You know what? I should explain myself. I, along with a bunch of others whose outlooks on life involve copious amounts of transparent liquids that smell vaguely like Domestos, am to be banished to the East; specifically, Russia. I first signed up for this about half a year ago, at which point it sounded like an exciting journey into the recent history of our planet, coupled with readily available hard liquor, even to the ludicrously small such as myself. However, after our recent orientation, it seems Russia is more historical society, and more tourist killing machine. In short, I fear for my life.
Y'see, it would seem that back when the Russians finally got to admitting their social experiment had gone balls-up and so embraced capitalism, they forgot a few of the key ingredients to modern society. Let's review them.
1. Water supply that doesn't contain lethal bacteria
You'd think it obvious, wouldn't you? But no, they had to prove they were hard. It's like Russian men found they were all onto their third liver and just about immune to alcohol after being bottle-fed vodka, and so they decided to start knocking back pathogens as a metaphysical way of boasting about the lengths of their penises. However, whilst this is all well and good for those of us with immune systems that are the microscopic equivalent of Satan's personal guard, for the rest of us it spells brief success with the womenfolk, followed by death. Not a pleasant death.
2. The rule of law
Apparently, the rule is that if it's not irreversibly attached to you, it will be gone by the time you get back to your hotel, at the hands of, at your choice, mobs of street-dwelling children, groups of gypsy women, or performing chipmunks ironically named Dale. Now I know the Russians haven't had a good time with the old economic conditions, but have they even heard of water-cannons? You'd think a country that, until recently, would have you shipped to the Ministry of Thought for a sneeze out of place, would be able to handle crime that actually takes place in the physical realm, as opposed to behind your eyes, but apparently not.
3. Death
It's a little-known fact that nobody in Russia ever dies. Chances are, if you know a Russian person, they are actually undead. Rumour has it, the real issue with Chechnya is that the remaining living souls in the area have holed up there, and are terrorising neighbouring provinces with weapons specially adapted to launch miniature religious symbols and holy water. However, the jury's still out on that last, as still more rumours say the whole tragic mistake began over a rented hedge trimmer that was used to perform haircuts and state executions, in violation of the rental contract.
I would go on, but having just got in from work, I'm out of time. Tune in this time next fortnight for thrilling tales of my exploits in the cradle of civilisation. Or schoolboy humour revolving around how my friends got smashed and tried to make love to street furniture; whichever takes my fancy.