Friday 5th September 2003: |-|4<| You may recall that back in the mists of time (three weeks ago,) I wrote an article documenting how I hacked into a government web server, and found the Labour Party's bug report facility. Well, that's not all I found. As well as the aforementioned copy of Mantis, I found a huge stack of incriminating emails and documents, which the bastards summarily released to the public to beat me to the press, under the thin guise of some inquiry or other. I was left with three emails that were still unreleased in my grubby hands, and red-faced technicians already fixing the holes in their security with some double-strength Polyfilla. Email #1 simply reads "Dear sir, have run out of batteries for IDS. Can we please borrow some? Sincerely, Annie." I'm sure there's something worth knowing in there, but for the life of me I can't make head or tail of it. Email #2 is written on a scan of government headed notepaper. "Dear Sir, the Right Hon. Anthony Blair, would you like the opportunity to enlarge than manhood which you posess? If so, I would like to kindly invite you to purchase our pharmaceutically verified product, for a mere four Groats. Privacy assured if requested." It would appear those bastards aren't good enough for regular spam. The third email, however, turned out to be much more interesting - it contained a draft of a proposed Act of Parliament. Have a look. ROAD TRAFFIC ACT, 2005 (Remember to amend as necessary -JP) 1. Wherein, should one sustain damage to one's vehicle from the carelessness of another road user, one may hurl loose change at their receding form, and, optionally, refer to them as "a right tosser," without fear of life or limb. 2. If the victim vehicle is worth £30,000 or more, the above right is null and void. 3. If the victim vehicle is worth £50,000 or more, not only is the above right waived, but the driver of the other vehicle is entitled to a second shot if he should so choose. 4. (Added 27/08. JP.) If the victim vehicle belongs to one JOHN PRESCOTT, the other driver may be summarily shipped to the Isle of Wight, where he shall be deposited possessing only a hamster named Joey, and three over-ripe onions. 5. The singing of "The Reefer Song" to the arresting officer as defence against traffic offences is now punishable by a right smack in the teeth. 6. The mounting of surface-to-surface missiles on your car is strictly forbidden. The only exception made is for drivers in Newquay. (Newquay? My holiday is booked in Newquay! Have a report into this on my desk by nine o'clock. -JP) 7. If drivers breaking the speed limit by less than 10 miles per hour bother you, it is recommended that you make a Citizen's Arrest at once. We recommend you facilitate this by lying down in front of the offending vehicle. 8. If, whilst driving any car produced in 2004 or later, all the dashboard lights suddenly start flashing at once, this means that you have won the Government's Super Fun Happy Prize. Report at once to DVLA Swansea. Bring a night bag. Dress sexy. 9. If you see an elderly driver coming towards you, it will from Jan 2004 be mandatory to indicate one way then the other repeatedly until the other driver has passed you, in the interest of the Darwinian elimination of senile drivers. 10. Those who boast of their cars having "go-faster stripes" are liable for summary execution. 11. The same goes for people with flashing lights on the bottom of the car, and those with huge fucking subwoofers where the boot should be.